I do believe in a god, but not a stereotypical “white beard, wearing a gown, man like, etc etc” They say “God is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent.” And I agree with that, I believe there is a higher power. But I in no way agree or belong to any religion, so I suppose I am agnostic.
I…
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese
I’m trying to meditate but I find myself overcome by sadness; I’m still grieving after all this time.
I’ve gone through phases of forgiveness recently that have shown me how to acknowledge the painful relationship I had with my mother, the anger and resentment we shared, and the loss of each other that we both went through the older we grew. Maybe it’s not as bad as that, but it feels like it. My reflections have brought me closer to the woman who I never took the time to understand because we were both so volatile and weighed down with our problems; I’d shuddered when my family would say “You’re just like Mom,” but now I smile because I see how true it is. I yearn for a stable life, just like her; I live with chronic illness, mental and physical, just like her; I escape into creativity, just like her. We differ too.
I’ve decided to do something about my anger. I’ve taken steps to open my heart. I’ve learned to forgive and be forgiven. One thing I’ve not done yet is grieve. I lost my Mom. I lost her gradually through my life in that I didn’t ever feel like we were mother and daughter, more two people living together who spent every day treading carefully, trying to avoid eye contact and arguments. And then four years ago she died. She’d been sick for a long time and I knew it was coming. I’d prepared myself from a very young age for that cold January afternoon, for when I’d hear the news that she was dead. I was at once free and cut loose. I lost the person who, if I had only opened myself up, would have protected me to all ends, even if she didn’t understand what I was going through. I miss my Mom. I wish more than ever right now that she were here so I could tell her how much I need her in my life to protect me. I need to tell her how sorry I am for not taking the first steps and I need to hear from her that she’s sorry too.
The message I was hoping to give you all from the lesson I’m now learning keeps changing so I’m going to give you it in all its forms…
Don’t believe people when they say, “It’s never too late.” This might sometimes be true but other times, it is not. Live now. Act now. Let grief take the path of least resistance.
You may be under pressure to pull it together or get over your pain by the time your therapy sessions are up, but give yourself some breathing space.
There is no cure, only growth.
Take your time. Allow yourself to change. There’s no shame in developing a new attitude toward some bad feelings. Others may not understand why you may suddenly forgive after so much time spent being angry, but don’t worry. You are not static. You can change.
Acknowledge your feelings and what you need. Denying your emotional needs will not lead you to recovery. If you need someone to lean on, lean on me. I will support you.
Right thoughts, right words, right intent; this isn’t about brushing negativity aside or letting it take you over.
Be honest about what troubles you. Speak truth. Be truth. Don’t live in fear. Take your right hand and thrust the palm outwards in front of you. Put a halt to all that will terrify and stop you from living. No fear. Be free.
Love: so much better than hate. You have the capacity to love everyone, no matter what has happened, and even if the gesture isn’t given in return.
Give openly. Receive gratefully.
Walk on compassionate ground. Think of compassion as something that’s always with you, like the earth beneath your feet, instead of a “good deed’ you have to achieve every day. Let the path guide you. Feel free to make your own.
Realize yourself. You deserve love and kindness too so give it to yourself.
Let go of any guilt about being selfish.
Enrich your heart. It beats for you.
Forgiving isn’t easy. I’ve spent most of my life being angry at my Mom for everything I felt she failed at, and now I’m pissed with myself for failing to put a stop to it.
I have to start somewhere though and now that I have, I’m starting to heal. If you’re trying to heal, learn to forgive. Forgive others without resentment and most importantly, forgive yourself.
We all screw up but then we all breathe and cry and hurt, too.
We’re all human.
“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
— Bruce Lee, a Chinese American, Hong Kong actor, martial arts instructor, philosopher, film director, film producer, screenwriter, and founder of the Jeet Kune Do martial arts movement. He is widely considered by many commentators, critics, media and other martial artists to be the most influential martial artist, and a cultural icon.
Part of the interview with Bruce Lee from 1971 from which these words are quoted. http://youtu.be/Im36Fwbjheo?t=15m45s
(via infinity-imagined)
(Source: mykeyiso, via wordslessspoken)
Sometimes, you can’t help but think about things. Things that you had been able to ignore for longer than you thought possible. Things that used to bother you so much, you would lie awake at night crying, or trying to sort it all out. You could be doing so well for months, finally be happy again, and then all of a sudden, BAM! Out of nowhere, those memories, feelings, thoughts, everything you had been hiding floods back to you.
Sometimes it’s just a flood, all at once you see how things used to be, remember what it felt like, the longing for his/her attention, the pain when plans were canceled for seemingly meaningless reasons. The little things that once made you so happy, a kiss on the forehead, holding hands, even remembering the first time you exchanged those 3 magical words, all of a sudden incapacitate you, leave you feeling the hole in your heart that you had been slowly filling. Immediately, you feel the pain you had been hiding because of this person, all of it, all at one time. The sadness, the anger, the hurt, but also the love, the fun times, the fond memories. They all decide to overcome you, and you have no choice but to let it happen, because by the time you realize all this is happening, the tears are starting to well up in your eyes, you’ve crushed whatever you were holding, or dropped it, and you’ve stopped dead in your tracks, and are now watching the world continue around you, almost as if it’s in slow motion, as you stand there trying to cope with the insurmountable wave that has just thrust itself upon you.
Other times, it just starts as a trickle, a single fond memory brought on by a song, a phrase, a picture. But that small, happy moment is soon followed by the painful memories that followed. Slowly but surely, you are overwhelmed with the pain you had hidden for so long, even you thought you were in the clear. It may take hours, days, weeks, or longer depending on the trigger, but eventually, the only way you can see out is some sort of escape. You don’t know how for sure, so you try to come up with ways. Bury yourself in a book, or a TV show. Start a new hobby. They all work as a temporary relief, but nothing does the trick fully. So the only thing left is to try to get back to the place you were before, starting almost from the beginning again. It’s one of the hardest things to try to do.
Friends have their concerns for you at first, but once they figure out it’s the same thing you’ve been through before, they just say “you’ll get over it again” and let it slide. They don’t understand the pain you’re feeling from the relapse. At first, they’re there for you, try to help, but you know how it will play out, and tell them you’re ok, even though you know that’s the farthest thing from the truth. That’s when they start not caring. They believe you, because they think it should be easy, since it’s happened before. They have no idea.
The only thing you have left is the knowledge that you’ve gotten through this before to keep you strong enough to do it again. But the fear of those memories is always in the back of your mind, and one little spark can start an entirely new fire.
There is no escaping the cycle.
